Revolutions have lousy timing. By the time they happen the need for them has passed. When the mob stormed the Bastille it contained nine people, eight of whom were having lunch with the Governor. The Germans rushed Lenin across Europe in a special train. The Czar was bringing in reforms at such a rate the Bolsheviks all but missed their cue. There had been several revolutions before theirs but they were squashed with the flick of a cosh.
This week, if I could have found a barricade, I would have leaped up it like an angry chamois. It began badly with the domination of radio and TV by Stephen Fry, the Pelvic Oracle. But you could have ironed trousers with the steam which came from my ears when I read of the latest con trick of the House of Windsor.
"How nice," we all thought, when the Chancellor announced that Her Gracious wanted to suffer with her subjects and so had agreed to freeze the royals' pay packets. It emerged later that in doing so the Royal Family have secured a lucrative deal that will earn them tens of millions of pounds from the massive expansion of offshore wind farms.
They will net up to £37.5 million extra income every year from the drive for green energy because the seabed within Britain’s territorial waters is owned by the Crown Estate. Prince Charles has banned these useless excretions from within sight of his country estate. Elsewhere the Family welcome them with Open Wallets.
They will pocket another £38 million a year from an offshore wind farm on Queen Caroline, Canada's 'Galapagos' island. Although the island houses one of that country's most important bird sanctuaries, the wind farm will use the old-style, three-bladed, prop-style designs; not only inefficient, but infamous bird and bat killers.
ROASTING THE PEASANTS
The fabulously wealthy Grosvenor Estates, which includes large swathes of London's Mayfair and Belgravia, as well as the new 43-acre Liverpool One development, is one of the creditors trying to bankrupt the lowly Portsmouth F.C. The Estates owns a shop in its Festival Place Shopping Centre in Basingstoke. Portsmouth is thought to be the guarantor for the tenant, a retailer who has fallen in to administration and therefore made the football club liable for the costs. So much for the beatiful game of the peasantry.
Ironic.The present Duke, as a child, told me his ambition was to be a professional footballer. He had a trial with Fulham F.C. Now he is one of Britain's richest men but he would have been a pauper except for one of his andestor's peasants, a forestry worker called Ridley who rose to found Grosvenor Estates. He was promoted by the second Duke, incidentally an active supporter of the Right Club, formed "to oppose and expose the activities of Organized Jewry", and of the Peace Aims Group that supported the idea of a negotiated peace settlement with Nazi Germany.
With Ridley's help, he developed Grosvenor Estates into a diversified property empire as it acquired much property in Australia and Annacis Island in British Columbia.
On the second Duke's death in 1953, the estate was clobbered for £20 million in death duties and the family sold Pimlico to meet the liability. The Inland Revenue is said to have created a whole department simply to deal with the matter.
Ridley created a twenty-part trust fund which dispersed the title and the ownership of Grosvenor Estates. The money and the title only came back together on the accession of the current Duke.
When he (the present duke) was a schoolboy I was asked by his father not to publicise his annual birthday party at Chester Zoo. I know how Portsmouth feel. When the fourth duke, a dotty eccentric who was obsessed with chickens, died, Cheshire Police were INSTRUCTED by the Estate to threaten me with arrest if I covered the funeral. The Oblige was well and truly nobbled.
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Saturday, 23 October 2010
FEN SING
The startling front page headline in our local paper read;
MARCH MAN GAOLED FOR GROPING
This incident which in Italy would have been taken as a compliment did not even happen in March but on some London tube train. In fairness to the newspaper, this is an area where little happens. Even scenery is absent. Civilisation came late to the Fens. Untill the 17th century it was forest and swamp. The Fenmen lived a life free of law on a plentiful diet of fish and game. When the Clearances began the Fen people were bitterly opposed but the Improvers beat them. They imported hundreds of Scottish prisoners from early Jacobite wars. It was a hard life digging the network of canals which were named after the distance dug in a day. The biggest was the 100 ft drain. Many died and were buried in the walls of the ditches they dug.
The Fens are entirely foreground and the discovery of perspective was wasted on them. The bonus is the architecture, both ecclesiastic and vernacular. Even on housing estates they build individually designed dwellings. Cities are few but attractive. Ely is a Georgian joy. Peterborough has a traffic free centre opening on to a tree-lined boulevard like the Ramblas in Barcelona. Its cathedral, where two queens were buried, has the finest facade in Europe. The city approaches might have been gloomy but the most enlightened civic planners in Britain encircled the city with a forest. Both cities are on river banks
All over the Fens there are churches and cathedrals which are treasures. The people make an effort if the landscape doesn't. Wonderful pubs, many with good restaurants. and thatched cottage villages. There is a Straw Bear festival, river festivals, and at Christmas there's a 'Extravaganza' in a village of 400 which attracts 40 busloads of visitors A NIGHT. It is held in a massive barn where there is a collection of vintage hurdy gurdies. It has spectacular scenery and a cast of hundreds picked in auditions in London that start in July.
Chrustmas is in its infancy outside the Fen
The Fenland Christmas is a thing to behold. Every town and large village is ablaze with faery lights, as are many of the houses. The fens have fewer buildings and larger electricity bills than anywhere in the UK.
And glory of glories, there is Mr Hipkin who has worked as a gardener with my wife's family for around forty years. He used, single-handedly, to tend grounds which included rose and kitchen gardens, a vegetable garden and an orchard. When the family downsized, he came with them.
He refuses to take more than a pittance for a full morning's work (he is richer than we are) and my wife feels so tenderly towards him she brings professional gardeners in at enormous cost for any jobs that require a ladder. I don't think Hipkin approves but of course he knows his place and wouldn't quarrel with his employer!!! Like me, he is 81 but gets very moody if I attempt to lift anything and insists I leave it to him.. He tends around twenty old people's gardens as acts of charity and every year he carries off at least twenty prizes in the village flower show, including the four cups he presented to the show over the years. His partner Miss Beart is a sturdy 5ft 4ins, 5ft 3 inches of which is heart. Hipkin bought her a stone dog. A week later he brought it round to us. "She couldn't sleep worriting about it bein' out in all that snow."
Their own dog Bailey is a terrier who lives like a Rothschild. He has never eaten dog food. He has bacon, egg and sausage for breakfast and when Hipkin asks him how many sausages he wants he barks four times.
He is very fond of the cathedral city of Ely. Wherever the three ofthem go they have to come home via Ely because Bailey likes the shops there, and they holiday in Skegness for the same reason.
There may be little to look at in the Fens but that doesn't say we have no wonders.
..........................................................................
People are far more perceptive than politicians give them credit. Amusing the way BBC presenters, lefties to the core, have had little success in finding workers who oppose the cuts. Though the row over a hostile Questiontime deliberately placed in a Labour stroghold shows how hard they try. Unlike politicians and presenters, people are used to the notion that if you are broke you don't buy things; and few would put anyone earning the thick end of £500 a week amongst the world's poor. Though no-one I meet can understand why overseas aid has been ring fenced. Personally, I would add education to that.
Why, I wonder, in this state of the art century, at the very heart of the white heat of education theory, do we keep a rusting relic of the Middle Ages? Universities were founded for a specific purpose. In an age of limited scholarship, any city - Athens, Padua and Paris - that had a celebrated teacher attracted students from all over school-less Europe. Because of the expense and difficulty of travel, the students stayed in lodgings round the teacher's dwelling.
And we keep these relics in an Age when we have an Open University. I wonder why we do not make better use of it?
FULL STOP PRESS
Blessed be the name of Cathy Sutherland who graces a chair in English at Oxford University. She has established that Jane Austen could not spell or punctuate.
That is Austen, Byron, Wordsworth and ME
MARCH MAN GAOLED FOR GROPING
This incident which in Italy would have been taken as a compliment did not even happen in March but on some London tube train. In fairness to the newspaper, this is an area where little happens. Even scenery is absent. Civilisation came late to the Fens. Untill the 17th century it was forest and swamp. The Fenmen lived a life free of law on a plentiful diet of fish and game. When the Clearances began the Fen people were bitterly opposed but the Improvers beat them. They imported hundreds of Scottish prisoners from early Jacobite wars. It was a hard life digging the network of canals which were named after the distance dug in a day. The biggest was the 100 ft drain. Many died and were buried in the walls of the ditches they dug.
The Fens are entirely foreground and the discovery of perspective was wasted on them. The bonus is the architecture, both ecclesiastic and vernacular. Even on housing estates they build individually designed dwellings. Cities are few but attractive. Ely is a Georgian joy. Peterborough has a traffic free centre opening on to a tree-lined boulevard like the Ramblas in Barcelona. Its cathedral, where two queens were buried, has the finest facade in Europe. The city approaches might have been gloomy but the most enlightened civic planners in Britain encircled the city with a forest. Both cities are on river banks
All over the Fens there are churches and cathedrals which are treasures. The people make an effort if the landscape doesn't. Wonderful pubs, many with good restaurants. and thatched cottage villages. There is a Straw Bear festival, river festivals, and at Christmas there's a 'Extravaganza' in a village of 400 which attracts 40 busloads of visitors A NIGHT. It is held in a massive barn where there is a collection of vintage hurdy gurdies. It has spectacular scenery and a cast of hundreds picked in auditions in London that start in July.
Chrustmas is in its infancy outside the Fen
The Fenland Christmas is a thing to behold. Every town and large village is ablaze with faery lights, as are many of the houses. The fens have fewer buildings and larger electricity bills than anywhere in the UK.
And glory of glories, there is Mr Hipkin who has worked as a gardener with my wife's family for around forty years. He used, single-handedly, to tend grounds which included rose and kitchen gardens, a vegetable garden and an orchard. When the family downsized, he came with them.
He refuses to take more than a pittance for a full morning's work (he is richer than we are) and my wife feels so tenderly towards him she brings professional gardeners in at enormous cost for any jobs that require a ladder. I don't think Hipkin approves but of course he knows his place and wouldn't quarrel with his employer!!! Like me, he is 81 but gets very moody if I attempt to lift anything and insists I leave it to him.. He tends around twenty old people's gardens as acts of charity and every year he carries off at least twenty prizes in the village flower show, including the four cups he presented to the show over the years. His partner Miss Beart is a sturdy 5ft 4ins, 5ft 3 inches of which is heart. Hipkin bought her a stone dog. A week later he brought it round to us. "She couldn't sleep worriting about it bein' out in all that snow."
Their own dog Bailey is a terrier who lives like a Rothschild. He has never eaten dog food. He has bacon, egg and sausage for breakfast and when Hipkin asks him how many sausages he wants he barks four times.
He is very fond of the cathedral city of Ely. Wherever the three ofthem go they have to come home via Ely because Bailey likes the shops there, and they holiday in Skegness for the same reason.
There may be little to look at in the Fens but that doesn't say we have no wonders.
..........................................................................
People are far more perceptive than politicians give them credit. Amusing the way BBC presenters, lefties to the core, have had little success in finding workers who oppose the cuts. Though the row over a hostile Questiontime deliberately placed in a Labour stroghold shows how hard they try. Unlike politicians and presenters, people are used to the notion that if you are broke you don't buy things; and few would put anyone earning the thick end of £500 a week amongst the world's poor. Though no-one I meet can understand why overseas aid has been ring fenced. Personally, I would add education to that.
Why, I wonder, in this state of the art century, at the very heart of the white heat of education theory, do we keep a rusting relic of the Middle Ages? Universities were founded for a specific purpose. In an age of limited scholarship, any city - Athens, Padua and Paris - that had a celebrated teacher attracted students from all over school-less Europe. Because of the expense and difficulty of travel, the students stayed in lodgings round the teacher's dwelling.
And we keep these relics in an Age when we have an Open University. I wonder why we do not make better use of it?
FULL STOP PRESS
Blessed be the name of Cathy Sutherland who graces a chair in English at Oxford University. She has established that Jane Austen could not spell or punctuate.
That is Austen, Byron, Wordsworth and ME
Friday, 15 October 2010
BOBBY ON THE BEATUP
Murder Inc, or the Metropolitan Police as it is more generally known, appears to be getting away with murder. The Force has never had the highest reputation, When I was doing the background to the infamous Richardson Brothers who had the unpleasant habit of nailing their victims hands to the floor, so many Met policemen were taking backhanders from the Brothers, the investigation HQ moved to the Home Counties.Now they have shown even more alarming developments. Most recently by using fifty-six marksmen to kill one drunken lawyer with an empty shotgun. Witnesses to this over reaction were unanimous in their belief that he could have been talked into submission but a court has ruled that the posse of gunmen were right in acting as they did. It is curious that marksmen fire tranquilisers at animals who have escaped. If you are carrying a suspicious chairleg, just passing through a crowd of protesters, or indeed going to work on the Tube, a death sentence is mandatory. Small boys with toy guns have often brought out Murder Inc in force. I was taking my life in my hands when I bought plastic highwaymen's pop pistols for my grandchildren at Disneyland in Paris. Fortunately I was not allowed to bring them on the plane.
My father, a world war one veteran who joined the police in 1920, had a propemsity towards violence. Nonetheless, he shared the view of most of his fellow constables that it would be a mistake to arm the police. He was himself armed during the pre- and post-war IRA raids, including a siege in Erskine St in Manchester when he was shot in the head. An IRA man called Shaughnessy got life. I was with him in Dublin when he met Shaugnessy who was anxious to apologise because, "Sure,there was nothing personal."
" Don't feel badly about it," said my father. "It wasn't you who shot me; it was my Inspector."
Mind you, that was a different IRA. As the sainted Kevin Myers wrote in the Irish Independent this week:
"Even the misnamed 'Anglo-Irish War' turns out be much less 'Anglo' and far more 'Irish' than nationalist history allows. In 1930, Charlie Dalton, one of Michael Collins' Squad, described to the Bureau of Military Archives how he had spontaneously opened fire on a British army roadblock in Drumcondra, Dublin. 'Brigadier (Dick) McKee sent for me and asked me what was in my mind in firing on the soldiers. As far as I know, this was the first occasion on which the British military had been fired on since the (1916) Insurrection.'
"This was October 1920, after nearly two years of the so-called 'Anglo-Irish war', and though Dalton's memory was at fault here -- Kevin Barry's unit had shot dead three soldiers a couple of weeks before -- the fact remains that British soldiers were not targets for the IRA. Moreover, within 18 months, the violence was about to become purely Irish, as the conjoined traditions of Fenianism -- one violent and conspiratorial, the other cultural and tribal -- united in opposition to the new Free State."
It is odd how tempting it is to play pretend soldiers. Only the fact that Britain is bankrupt has persuaded the police to get rid of its cavalry, though the horse has long since outlived its role in crowd control.
No indication so far to standing down its Air Force which performs with traffic much the same as the role the horse played with crowds and a single policeman on point duty did perfectly efficiently with cars. The Chief Constables in their faux military silver braided uniforms argue that the helicopter would play a vital role in fighting terrorists. Others might have difficulty explaing why and how. Perhaps we will bomb the next furtive jihadist.
If only our bankers could be made to answer for their crimes. Unthinkable. They are responsible for the coming reductions in everything we hold dear. One wonders why we are being punished whilst they are sharing a billion-pound reward for wrecking the country. It is comparable to giving the train driver twenty years in gaol and dipping into the poor box for the Train Robbers' Benevolent Fund. Don't have much faith in our sincerity to pay off that Deficit either. They rifle Mums' purses for the children's allowance, they cut public services, they reduce the Forces to a level that would make it difficult for them to win a game of Housey Housey. And what do they do with the money? They spend £12 billion on the Olympic Games. That is twelve billion to jump over gates, hurl cannon balls and throw spears........................
One important lesson to learn if you are stealing is,Think Big. In Chester, Grosvenor Estates owned the Grosvenor Hotel on one side of a road in the city centre. On the other side was a commercial property they were anxious to develop into a shopping centre. When building began huge screens blocked off the road between the two properites. Their purpose was to protect passers-by from being injured by falling debris.
When the screens were taken down the street had vanished and a concourse joined the Grosvenor Hotel with the new development. Grosvenor Estates, which was the creation of the fabulously wealthy Dukes of Westminster, had stolen the street.
HOKEY COKEY POLITICS
BRUSSELS — The United States is helping senior Taliban leaders attend initial peace talks with the Afghan government in Kabul because military officials and diplomats want to take advantage of any possibility of political reconciliation, Obama administration and NATO officials said ...NYTimes
Remember the Hokey COKEY DANCE...."In Out, In OUT. Shake it all about......." Now it's official US Foreign Policy. They put the Taliban in, they kicked the Taliban out, and now they are shaking them all about.
FROM MY POSTBAG
My oldest friend, a Daily Mail columnist, writes;
Three cheers for Chile. Wonderful effort. The country has come through this exploding with pride and envy from much of the rest of the world.
I mean, let's face it. If it was in this country they'd all be dead. We don't have the expertise any more and for sure any home manufactured machinery would break down straight away. The greatest threat might have come from the police who would want to interfere and completely screw the entire rescue effort. They do it every time.
Tip: When there is a world event like the mine event try watching on US Fox News TV. It is so good it makes the BBC, SKY and ITV coverage look silly.
Another friend of my youth, a Fleet Street editor agreed:
They'd have insisted on a screen around the cage as it emerged from the earth, and they'd have had the rescued miners, and their loved ones, being re-united in private. The next pictures would have been long-tom shots of a fleet of ambulances taking them to a hospital that had a news black-out, and where police guarded every door. Then a hospital spokesidiot would read, stumbling, and haltingly, a statement saying that they were all undergoing thorough tests.
The only good bit is that we would have been saved from a television cretin asking the rescued: "How do you feel?"
Our friend's views on what would have gone wrong in Britain are dead right. They'd all be dead by now. But did you notice that the Drill Boss (that's his title) who directed the rescue drilling, was an American, trained at the Denver School of Mines, Denver, Colorado? "
It used to be worse. When I was working as a reporter for the BBC every programme sent its own reporter on a story. There would be as many as eight radio reporters AND a TV crew, which, in those Union-led days, could consist of twelve people, since every technician had to have a deputy. All of them had to have a three-course lunch and two hours to eat it in.
My father, a world war one veteran who joined the police in 1920, had a propemsity towards violence. Nonetheless, he shared the view of most of his fellow constables that it would be a mistake to arm the police. He was himself armed during the pre- and post-war IRA raids, including a siege in Erskine St in Manchester when he was shot in the head. An IRA man called Shaughnessy got life. I was with him in Dublin when he met Shaugnessy who was anxious to apologise because, "Sure,there was nothing personal."
" Don't feel badly about it," said my father. "It wasn't you who shot me; it was my Inspector."
Mind you, that was a different IRA. As the sainted Kevin Myers wrote in the Irish Independent this week:
"Even the misnamed 'Anglo-Irish War' turns out be much less 'Anglo' and far more 'Irish' than nationalist history allows. In 1930, Charlie Dalton, one of Michael Collins' Squad, described to the Bureau of Military Archives how he had spontaneously opened fire on a British army roadblock in Drumcondra, Dublin. 'Brigadier (Dick) McKee sent for me and asked me what was in my mind in firing on the soldiers. As far as I know, this was the first occasion on which the British military had been fired on since the (1916) Insurrection.'
"This was October 1920, after nearly two years of the so-called 'Anglo-Irish war', and though Dalton's memory was at fault here -- Kevin Barry's unit had shot dead three soldiers a couple of weeks before -- the fact remains that British soldiers were not targets for the IRA. Moreover, within 18 months, the violence was about to become purely Irish, as the conjoined traditions of Fenianism -- one violent and conspiratorial, the other cultural and tribal -- united in opposition to the new Free State."
It is odd how tempting it is to play pretend soldiers. Only the fact that Britain is bankrupt has persuaded the police to get rid of its cavalry, though the horse has long since outlived its role in crowd control.
No indication so far to standing down its Air Force which performs with traffic much the same as the role the horse played with crowds and a single policeman on point duty did perfectly efficiently with cars. The Chief Constables in their faux military silver braided uniforms argue that the helicopter would play a vital role in fighting terrorists. Others might have difficulty explaing why and how. Perhaps we will bomb the next furtive jihadist.
If only our bankers could be made to answer for their crimes. Unthinkable. They are responsible for the coming reductions in everything we hold dear. One wonders why we are being punished whilst they are sharing a billion-pound reward for wrecking the country. It is comparable to giving the train driver twenty years in gaol and dipping into the poor box for the Train Robbers' Benevolent Fund. Don't have much faith in our sincerity to pay off that Deficit either. They rifle Mums' purses for the children's allowance, they cut public services, they reduce the Forces to a level that would make it difficult for them to win a game of Housey Housey. And what do they do with the money? They spend £12 billion on the Olympic Games. That is twelve billion to jump over gates, hurl cannon balls and throw spears........................
One important lesson to learn if you are stealing is,Think Big. In Chester, Grosvenor Estates owned the Grosvenor Hotel on one side of a road in the city centre. On the other side was a commercial property they were anxious to develop into a shopping centre. When building began huge screens blocked off the road between the two properites. Their purpose was to protect passers-by from being injured by falling debris.
When the screens were taken down the street had vanished and a concourse joined the Grosvenor Hotel with the new development. Grosvenor Estates, which was the creation of the fabulously wealthy Dukes of Westminster, had stolen the street.
HOKEY COKEY POLITICS
BRUSSELS — The United States is helping senior Taliban leaders attend initial peace talks with the Afghan government in Kabul because military officials and diplomats want to take advantage of any possibility of political reconciliation, Obama administration and NATO officials said ...NYTimes
Remember the Hokey COKEY DANCE...."In Out, In OUT. Shake it all about......." Now it's official US Foreign Policy. They put the Taliban in, they kicked the Taliban out, and now they are shaking them all about.
FROM MY POSTBAG
My oldest friend, a Daily Mail columnist, writes;
Three cheers for Chile. Wonderful effort. The country has come through this exploding with pride and envy from much of the rest of the world.
I mean, let's face it. If it was in this country they'd all be dead. We don't have the expertise any more and for sure any home manufactured machinery would break down straight away. The greatest threat might have come from the police who would want to interfere and completely screw the entire rescue effort. They do it every time.
Tip: When there is a world event like the mine event try watching on US Fox News TV. It is so good it makes the BBC, SKY and ITV coverage look silly.
Another friend of my youth, a Fleet Street editor agreed:
They'd have insisted on a screen around the cage as it emerged from the earth, and they'd have had the rescued miners, and their loved ones, being re-united in private. The next pictures would have been long-tom shots of a fleet of ambulances taking them to a hospital that had a news black-out, and where police guarded every door. Then a hospital spokesidiot would read, stumbling, and haltingly, a statement saying that they were all undergoing thorough tests.
The only good bit is that we would have been saved from a television cretin asking the rescued: "How do you feel?"
Our friend's views on what would have gone wrong in Britain are dead right. They'd all be dead by now. But did you notice that the Drill Boss (that's his title) who directed the rescue drilling, was an American, trained at the Denver School of Mines, Denver, Colorado? "
It used to be worse. When I was working as a reporter for the BBC every programme sent its own reporter on a story. There would be as many as eight radio reporters AND a TV crew, which, in those Union-led days, could consist of twelve people, since every technician had to have a deputy. All of them had to have a three-course lunch and two hours to eat it in.
Saturday, 9 October 2010
FREEDOOMED
In my mind I seem to hear the clink of slave chains getting near...............
At first sight it seems absurd that the Coalition Government, of which I approve, should throw out mountains of the useless legislation which Labour introduced every three quarters of an hour, yet pass into law the Equality Act which is the most absurd of all.
There is an explanation. At the heart of government lies a rejection of the principle of liberty,equality and fraternity. Slavery makes government easier.
Take the recent major legislation on smoking. It is admittedly more pleasant to live in a smoke-free area but the freedom comes with a terrible price ticket: closing down one our more pleasant places of refuge over the centuries, the country pub. It is sad to witness the pathetic huddles at pub doors, guiltily sneaking a crafty fag. It is a great benefit, we are told. It isn't. Two eminent scientists of international reputation spent forty years trying to prove that passive smoking is harmful. They failed. The mighty World Health Organisation picked their tattered banner out of the dust and ran with it for a further five years but had to admit in the end there is no evidence that passive smoking is harmful.
The lawmakers needed to prove they could force us to adopt a curtailing of freedom that other generations would have rejected out of hand.
We must spend £50 billion on aircraft carriers. Not because they will be any use but, if we have them, our politicians will be able to sit at a big table, even if no-one takes any notice of us. We must spend a fortune on wind turbines, which we know are useless, and what little energy they produce will be vastly more costly, but we will be doing as the EU wishes.
Global warming. More recent science suggests that far from warming, the earth is cooling.
In the Fifties the government wanted to end capital punishment so they instituted a moratorium on the practice to prove that hanging was not a deterrent. I discovered that an instruction had gone out to judges that all murder trials should be reduced to manslaughter. The murder statistics were not based on violent deaths but on convictions so, inevitably, they proved their case, even though violent deaths had increased. At Chester Assizes it was a rare calendar which held more than one murder charge. During the moratorium there were eight, all reduced to manslaughter.
I am still trying to find out why, in turn, we were told not to eat eggs, bacon ribs, imported cheese, oxtails and porterhouse steaks. I ate all of them the moment they got the black spot.
I also ignored the Government guidelines on the number of units of alcohol I could drink - which was just as well because it later admitted the figures were picked out of a hat, although I notice they are still used.
Surveillance cameras on roads are taken away and the number of accidents drops. The statistics which had us believing drink driving kills are not based on the number of killer drunk drivers. They are calculated on the number of accidents in which drink plays a part; most the fault of drunken pedestrians.
A Labour Party Inquiry in 1949 seeking to ban fox hunting was forced to conclude it was the most humane way to kill foxes. Forty years later it was banned.
Now we have the Jonathon Wild Charter where to grass is greener. If we even overhear a remark which offends us we must report it to our employer. If the employer ignores us he faces a heavy fine. Wild, that old thief taker, would be in his element.
My friend Father Brian had the best "anti" Catholic jokes, my Jewish friends glory in "anti" Jewish jokes. WHY? Because they know they do no harm. Our legislators do not appreciate it but these sorts of jokes are like the remarks we make about the oddities of family and friends. Rough affection. Making fun is also a way of love making. When I was an Englishman in Wales I used to get very exercised at the number of anti- English jokes to which I was forced to listen. Welshmen in England have similar qualms. Yet the fault lies not in our jokes but in ourselves. We are over-sensitive.
Now, alas, I won't be able to say any more that they should rename Anne Robinson's TV quiz "The weakest WINK", so bizarre are the facial contortions with which she ends each programme. .By the same token, Stephen Fry will have to give up his nauseating single entendre rectum references; Jonathan Miller won't be able to say Gilbert and Sullivan operas are drivel.
The bad news is that Les Dawson and the legion of superb comics he represented would be out of a job were they living now. How long before blogging is illegal and we are singing "Screw Britannia, Britannia won't waive the rules, Britons ever, ever shall be slaves."
My only consolation is that I won't live long enough to suffer under another Labour government.
PEACE IN OUR TIME
If you were to ask people when World War One ended, you would most likely receive the answer, "11th November, 1918". While that would be correct - the armistice was famously signed on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day on the eleventh month - this century-defining conflict reached its conclusion in another sense on this very day. With the arrival of 3rd October 2010, the hefty reparations payments imposed upon Germany after the war have finally finished; the final instalment has been paid and the German people are no longer deep in the debt left over from 92 years ago.
: World War One Ends Today http://www.suite101.com/content/world-war-one-ends-today-a292851#ixzz11NQmh9gz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uaUdPs1fo0&feature=player_embedded
FOOT-IN-MOUTH NOTE
In the row over family allowances we are asked to sympathise with families who will lose their allowances if they earn more than £44,000 a year. I find it difficult to work up sympathy for anyone who earns the thick end of a thousand pounds a week,and I see nothing wrong with the princip-le thar if you annot aford a child, do not hav one
The late Mo Mowlam when she was a Minister of State was having an audience with the Queen. Mowlam's Blackberry rang and, rudely, she answered it. When she had finished and switched off, the Queen, who had waited patiently, said quietly, "Was it anyone important?"
And I will take odds that Mowlam never realised it was a put down.
At first sight it seems absurd that the Coalition Government, of which I approve, should throw out mountains of the useless legislation which Labour introduced every three quarters of an hour, yet pass into law the Equality Act which is the most absurd of all.
There is an explanation. At the heart of government lies a rejection of the principle of liberty,equality and fraternity. Slavery makes government easier.
Take the recent major legislation on smoking. It is admittedly more pleasant to live in a smoke-free area but the freedom comes with a terrible price ticket: closing down one our more pleasant places of refuge over the centuries, the country pub. It is sad to witness the pathetic huddles at pub doors, guiltily sneaking a crafty fag. It is a great benefit, we are told. It isn't. Two eminent scientists of international reputation spent forty years trying to prove that passive smoking is harmful. They failed. The mighty World Health Organisation picked their tattered banner out of the dust and ran with it for a further five years but had to admit in the end there is no evidence that passive smoking is harmful.
The lawmakers needed to prove they could force us to adopt a curtailing of freedom that other generations would have rejected out of hand.
We must spend £50 billion on aircraft carriers. Not because they will be any use but, if we have them, our politicians will be able to sit at a big table, even if no-one takes any notice of us. We must spend a fortune on wind turbines, which we know are useless, and what little energy they produce will be vastly more costly, but we will be doing as the EU wishes.
Global warming. More recent science suggests that far from warming, the earth is cooling.
In the Fifties the government wanted to end capital punishment so they instituted a moratorium on the practice to prove that hanging was not a deterrent. I discovered that an instruction had gone out to judges that all murder trials should be reduced to manslaughter. The murder statistics were not based on violent deaths but on convictions so, inevitably, they proved their case, even though violent deaths had increased. At Chester Assizes it was a rare calendar which held more than one murder charge. During the moratorium there were eight, all reduced to manslaughter.
I am still trying to find out why, in turn, we were told not to eat eggs, bacon ribs, imported cheese, oxtails and porterhouse steaks. I ate all of them the moment they got the black spot.
I also ignored the Government guidelines on the number of units of alcohol I could drink - which was just as well because it later admitted the figures were picked out of a hat, although I notice they are still used.
Surveillance cameras on roads are taken away and the number of accidents drops. The statistics which had us believing drink driving kills are not based on the number of killer drunk drivers. They are calculated on the number of accidents in which drink plays a part; most the fault of drunken pedestrians.
A Labour Party Inquiry in 1949 seeking to ban fox hunting was forced to conclude it was the most humane way to kill foxes. Forty years later it was banned.
Now we have the Jonathon Wild Charter where to grass is greener. If we even overhear a remark which offends us we must report it to our employer. If the employer ignores us he faces a heavy fine. Wild, that old thief taker, would be in his element.
My friend Father Brian had the best "anti" Catholic jokes, my Jewish friends glory in "anti" Jewish jokes. WHY? Because they know they do no harm. Our legislators do not appreciate it but these sorts of jokes are like the remarks we make about the oddities of family and friends. Rough affection. Making fun is also a way of love making. When I was an Englishman in Wales I used to get very exercised at the number of anti- English jokes to which I was forced to listen. Welshmen in England have similar qualms. Yet the fault lies not in our jokes but in ourselves. We are over-sensitive.
Now, alas, I won't be able to say any more that they should rename Anne Robinson's TV quiz "The weakest WINK", so bizarre are the facial contortions with which she ends each programme. .By the same token, Stephen Fry will have to give up his nauseating single entendre rectum references; Jonathan Miller won't be able to say Gilbert and Sullivan operas are drivel.
The bad news is that Les Dawson and the legion of superb comics he represented would be out of a job were they living now. How long before blogging is illegal and we are singing "Screw Britannia, Britannia won't waive the rules, Britons ever, ever shall be slaves."
My only consolation is that I won't live long enough to suffer under another Labour government.
PEACE IN OUR TIME
If you were to ask people when World War One ended, you would most likely receive the answer, "11th November, 1918". While that would be correct - the armistice was famously signed on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day on the eleventh month - this century-defining conflict reached its conclusion in another sense on this very day. With the arrival of 3rd October 2010, the hefty reparations payments imposed upon Germany after the war have finally finished; the final instalment has been paid and the German people are no longer deep in the debt left over from 92 years ago.
: World War One Ends Today http://www.suite101.com/content/world-war-one-ends-today-a292851#ixzz11NQmh9gz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uaUdPs1fo0&feature=player_embedded
FOOT-IN-MOUTH NOTE
In the row over family allowances we are asked to sympathise with families who will lose their allowances if they earn more than £44,000 a year. I find it difficult to work up sympathy for anyone who earns the thick end of a thousand pounds a week,and I see nothing wrong with the princip-le thar if you annot aford a child, do not hav one
The late Mo Mowlam when she was a Minister of State was having an audience with the Queen. Mowlam's Blackberry rang and, rudely, she answered it. When she had finished and switched off, the Queen, who had waited patiently, said quietly, "Was it anyone important?"
And I will take odds that Mowlam never realised it was a put down.
Monday, 27 September 2010
A VERY OILY CART
I love to watch Gilbert and Sullivan opera but I am very tired of living in one. Our very model of modern major generals live in stately homes, waited on by small armies of servants. IN ORDER TO ENTERTAIN. We do not pay them to entertain. We pay them to kill strangers. If they wish to entertain there are scores of empty civic theatres, built as an indulgence by councils with no funds left to pay for theatre companies.
Another army stands behind the Major Generals. The Ministry of Indefensible has proved time and time again it couldn't minister to a sick hamster. It buys military hardware so complex as to be unusable, with money we have not got. It currently spends thirty seven billion pounds and rising which is not even budgeted for. If I bought things I could not afford with money I had not got I would go to prison. They merely agitate for two new toys, 50 billion on aircraft carriers to fight a war which may not happen.
The frightening truth is that for future wars we won't need any costly equipment, nor warriors either. A real soldier, Richard Williams, who commanded 22 SAS Regiment, warns that the weapons of the future, which ironically are already being used by Al Queda, Somali pirates and Mexican drug cartels, are the lap top, the mobile phone and social networking websites. They are free of military teaching or experience.
"The British miitary," he says, "will always be short of enough equipment and men to be able to dominate its opponents by force alone. It can dominate the information space. It should be able to paralyse the opponents' decision making equipment via cyber attack and physical strike. He who has the best information - and denies the enemy information - wins."
And our major generals, like sheep, may safely graze.
And what of the Board of Directors of Great Britain Inc? Inc standing for Incomprehensible, one assumes. Pure Iolanthe, in which, you recall, we are governed by men who are half fairies. There is no possible doubt whatever that the Labour Party based its leadership election on "The Gondoliers" in which, you may recall, the brothers Palmieri are wrongly elected leaders of Barataria. In the present election only one wrong brother was elected with Peter Hain in the Don Alhambra Grand Inquisitor role. The MPS didn't want Ed - or Deadhead as he will be bound to be known; the constituencies didn't want him and not all that many members of the unions which did elect him are card carrying socialists. He is, it must be said, a gift for the cartoonists and I expect Rory Bremner will be sending them flowers.
Parliament's working hours are based on the Victorian Season with a long break for grouse shooting. In order to function, their Palace must be re-opened every year by an old lady in a glass hat and an evening gown and a long fur cape. She arrives by horse and cart accompanied by her hubby, the most upwardly mobile Greek since Icarus, who by his own efforts became a naval lieutenant and an admiral of the fleet by marriage. So now he is a ruler of the Queen's Navy, an even more bizarre promotion path than polishing the handles of the big front door. Pure Pinafore. They have a son,The Prince of Wails, a commonplace young man, a matter of fact young man. An out of the way young man straight out of "Patience" who talks to plants, interferes in areas where he has no knowledge and runs a holiday home with twelve fulltime gardeners.
Nor are they cheap. They cost each of us two shillings for which we have much better use and on top of that have just presented us with a an eye watering bill.Nearly £100,000 for cleaning chandeliers and £14,000 on a curtain to protect wine bottles in the Buckingham Palace cellars.Refurbishing a staff canteen and games room cost £808,000 while turning a private cinema into a State function room was £458,000Its a fulltime job being Her Genie. She is forever rubbing her lamp.
Alas,this misgovernance by MPs, whose office building groans with bars that are open 24 hours a day which explains some of their decision making which has resulted in half the world hating us. They managed it by their attempts at trickery at what has been called the Peace Conference which passeth all understanding at Versailles in 1919. Wilson, Lloyd George and Clemenceau between them wrecked Germany thus opening the way for Nazism and broke their promises to the Arab world.
UP WITH THIS I HAVE TO PUT
One of my oldest friends is the former Daily Mail columnist John Edwards. In retirement he is still fascinated by words. He sent me this:
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do We speak UP, and why are the Officers UP for Election and why is time UP and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a Report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the Silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We Lock UP the house and Fix UP the old car.
At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble,
Line UP for Tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one
Thing but to be dressed UP is Special.
And this UP is confusing: A Drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We Open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at Night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
In a desk-sized Dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about Thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may Wind UP with a hundred or More.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is Clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap It UP, for now........my time is UP!
I will shut UP.
Another army stands behind the Major Generals. The Ministry of Indefensible has proved time and time again it couldn't minister to a sick hamster. It buys military hardware so complex as to be unusable, with money we have not got. It currently spends thirty seven billion pounds and rising which is not even budgeted for. If I bought things I could not afford with money I had not got I would go to prison. They merely agitate for two new toys, 50 billion on aircraft carriers to fight a war which may not happen.
The frightening truth is that for future wars we won't need any costly equipment, nor warriors either. A real soldier, Richard Williams, who commanded 22 SAS Regiment, warns that the weapons of the future, which ironically are already being used by Al Queda, Somali pirates and Mexican drug cartels, are the lap top, the mobile phone and social networking websites. They are free of military teaching or experience.
"The British miitary," he says, "will always be short of enough equipment and men to be able to dominate its opponents by force alone. It can dominate the information space. It should be able to paralyse the opponents' decision making equipment via cyber attack and physical strike. He who has the best information - and denies the enemy information - wins."
And our major generals, like sheep, may safely graze.
And what of the Board of Directors of Great Britain Inc? Inc standing for Incomprehensible, one assumes. Pure Iolanthe, in which, you recall, we are governed by men who are half fairies. There is no possible doubt whatever that the Labour Party based its leadership election on "The Gondoliers" in which, you may recall, the brothers Palmieri are wrongly elected leaders of Barataria. In the present election only one wrong brother was elected with Peter Hain in the Don Alhambra Grand Inquisitor role. The MPS didn't want Ed - or Deadhead as he will be bound to be known; the constituencies didn't want him and not all that many members of the unions which did elect him are card carrying socialists. He is, it must be said, a gift for the cartoonists and I expect Rory Bremner will be sending them flowers.
Parliament's working hours are based on the Victorian Season with a long break for grouse shooting. In order to function, their Palace must be re-opened every year by an old lady in a glass hat and an evening gown and a long fur cape. She arrives by horse and cart accompanied by her hubby, the most upwardly mobile Greek since Icarus, who by his own efforts became a naval lieutenant and an admiral of the fleet by marriage. So now he is a ruler of the Queen's Navy, an even more bizarre promotion path than polishing the handles of the big front door. Pure Pinafore. They have a son,The Prince of Wails, a commonplace young man, a matter of fact young man. An out of the way young man straight out of "Patience" who talks to plants, interferes in areas where he has no knowledge and runs a holiday home with twelve fulltime gardeners.
Nor are they cheap. They cost each of us two shillings for which we have much better use and on top of that have just presented us with a an eye watering bill.Nearly £100,000 for cleaning chandeliers and £14,000 on a curtain to protect wine bottles in the Buckingham Palace cellars.Refurbishing a staff canteen and games room cost £808,000 while turning a private cinema into a State function room was £458,000Its a fulltime job being Her Genie. She is forever rubbing her lamp.
Alas,this misgovernance by MPs, whose office building groans with bars that are open 24 hours a day which explains some of their decision making which has resulted in half the world hating us. They managed it by their attempts at trickery at what has been called the Peace Conference which passeth all understanding at Versailles in 1919. Wilson, Lloyd George and Clemenceau between them wrecked Germany thus opening the way for Nazism and broke their promises to the Arab world.
UP WITH THIS I HAVE TO PUT
One of my oldest friends is the former Daily Mail columnist John Edwards. In retirement he is still fascinated by words. He sent me this:
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do We speak UP, and why are the Officers UP for Election and why is time UP and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a Report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the Silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We Lock UP the house and Fix UP the old car.
At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble,
Line UP for Tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one
Thing but to be dressed UP is Special.
And this UP is confusing: A Drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We Open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at Night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
In a desk-sized Dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about Thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may Wind UP with a hundred or More.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is Clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap It UP, for now........my time is UP!
I will shut UP.
Saturday, 25 September 2010
A TURD WORLD
I think that Cardinal was quite wrong to claim the crowds at our airports resemble a third world country. It is so much worse than that. The sight of multi-uncultured Britain at play, wrapped in swaithes of dreadful denim, fills one with loathing. A rough rule of thumb: if the hair is combed and the clothes ironed, it is foreign. It makes one wonder whether the journey from the trees to the airport foyer was worth all the trouble.
However, the sight of a patently amiable old man tootling round his adoring flock in his Immaculate Contraption does the heart good.
As a shy man, it must be agony for the Pope, but he stands in the ashes of his religion and says the right thing about the evils of his own countrymen, his fellow priests and the world that is his parish. He deserves praise even from non-members of his club.
Does he get it?
In a pig's ear. He gets a gaggle of purse-lipped harridans, a covey of self-regarding cranks complaining the Queen should not have welcomed him. We shouldn't, they say, spend a fraction on his visit of what we spend on dog food because the Vatican isn't a state within the meaning of the act.
We are living in the world of Gulliver's Travels.
As a a Buddhist Presumptive, it really has nothing to do with me but I cannot help wondering why Pope Benedict XVI is being blamed for being a catholic. He is generally regarded as one of the greatest intellects to have held that office in several centuries, a man of great philosophical scholarship, rigour and originality, as well as an accomplished writer, linguist, practical administrator and musician.
The black mark against him, but not oddly against his papal predecessor the more popular Pope John Paul II who shares the blame, is that he tried to cover up evidence of child abuse. If one spends one's life in an institution one's instinct is to protect it, even against evidence.
To enforce celibacy is to attract the sexually malajusted. Reason could resolve. But the mincing mob would rather pile imaginary faggots round his feet and set fire to him. I must say as one who spent his childhhood being groped by a teacher, as were the rest of our class, I do not sense harm done. I would have been more upset if I had been the only child in the class who wasn't.
Successive popes have been covering up shameful acts since Pope Joan, who posed as a man and had a baby on what is still known as "The Street of the Woman Pope" in Rome. A shrine to Pope Joan on the street was moved on the orders of the Vatican.
In the Middle Ages Adam of Usk writes of a ceremony where new popes sat, before the congregation, in a seat with a hole in the middle whilst a cardinal explored their private parts. Asked by the congregation, "Does he have testicles?" the examiner replies cheerfully, "He has two and they hang well." In Latin, of course.
Give the opportunity, the Catholic Church always leaps to absurdity.
In subsequent centuries the Vatican insisted the female pope was a myth. However, Peter Sandford in his illuminating book "The She Pope" published a photo of the "seda secoriara", a throne with a hole in the seat as Adam describes, which is kept in the Vatican Museum.
Pope John XXII (1316-1334) committed repeated incest upon all his illegitimate children, male and female. He was charged by 37 clergy and witnesses with fornication, adultery, incest, sodomy, simony, theft and murder. He maintained a convent-cum-brothel in Boulogne of 200 girls. He personally murdered a number of these girls and nuns during and after sexual encounters as part of satanic rituals within cathedrals and the main churches of Christianity. He has been called the most depraved criminal who ever sat on the papal throne.
The Church writes its own history. Even so, the beatification of Cardinal Newman is puzzling. The church abhors homosexuals but there is considerable doubt about Newman's sexual orientation.
Some believe Newman may have come close to the line — if not in actions, then in preference.
"It's not unreasonable to think he might have been homosexual," says the Rev. James Martin, a Jesuit priest and author of 'My Life with the Saints'. "His letters and his comments on the death of one of his close friends are quite provocative."
He asked to be buried on top of his lifelong friend Ambrose St John. When it was clear Newman was on the path to sainthood, the Catholic Church ordered the cardinal's body to be exhumed and the corpse moved to a grander resting place in Birmingham Oratory church.
"The idea of pilgrims coming to the grave and seeing John Henry Newman on the tombstone and, above him, the man he lived with for 37 years, the Rev. Ambrose St John, gave off bad vibes," wrote the Rev. Martin. It was certain to raise eyebrows, he said.
One would have thought on these grounds alone the Pope would have found favour with Stephen Fry. Not so. That hedgerow intellectual led a crowd of cranks in complaining the Vatican was not a sovereign state because it was created by Mussolini. Does that mean we should slow down Italian trains and dig up the autobahn because they are the creation of dictators? Forget Shakespeare. The good men do lives after them, surely?
It must have escaped those mighty brains that Germany and Italy were not sovereign states until the 19th century when they were created, like the Vatican, by elected Heads ofState.
Frankly, none of these messages from the past bother me. As an outsider, I am more impressed by the hundreds of priests, like my friend Father Brian, who loved their fellow man in a more conventional way. But, as I say, it's nothing to do with me. We don't even venerate the Lord Buddha. He told us not to.
WELLIE I NEVER
A documentary on the Wellington bomber reminded me of George Thomas, a Chester friend who had been a navigator in one.
Returning home from a bombing raid on which they had been badly strafed and holed, the pilot radioed the crew: "We'd better jump out before we fall out,"
My friend said it was a pleasant summer day and he enjoyed the descent. He was interested to see he was going to land in a holiday camp. In fact he landed in the camp's paddling pool. The moment it touched water the life-saving equipment moved into rescue mode. The rubber dinghy on his back inflated and turned him over. Legs in the air like an upturned tortoise, he made stately circuits of the pond. Next, the container on the dinghy opened and a purple dye spread across the pool, making it easier to spot him from the air. Then the aerial of the beacon on his chest soared into life and began the loud transmissions of a radio signal.
My friend had been too engrossed with these happenings to look about him. A rousing cheer attracted his attention and he saw the pool was ringed by a jubilant crowd who made no attempt to pull him out, so much were they enjoying the show. Eventually he scrambled onto dry land where was accosted by the manager:
"I dunno who you are," he said, "but if you can drop in like that every Saturday you are on to a fiver a week."
However, the sight of a patently amiable old man tootling round his adoring flock in his Immaculate Contraption does the heart good.
As a shy man, it must be agony for the Pope, but he stands in the ashes of his religion and says the right thing about the evils of his own countrymen, his fellow priests and the world that is his parish. He deserves praise even from non-members of his club.
Does he get it?
In a pig's ear. He gets a gaggle of purse-lipped harridans, a covey of self-regarding cranks complaining the Queen should not have welcomed him. We shouldn't, they say, spend a fraction on his visit of what we spend on dog food because the Vatican isn't a state within the meaning of the act.
We are living in the world of Gulliver's Travels.
As a a Buddhist Presumptive, it really has nothing to do with me but I cannot help wondering why Pope Benedict XVI is being blamed for being a catholic. He is generally regarded as one of the greatest intellects to have held that office in several centuries, a man of great philosophical scholarship, rigour and originality, as well as an accomplished writer, linguist, practical administrator and musician.
The black mark against him, but not oddly against his papal predecessor the more popular Pope John Paul II who shares the blame, is that he tried to cover up evidence of child abuse. If one spends one's life in an institution one's instinct is to protect it, even against evidence.
To enforce celibacy is to attract the sexually malajusted. Reason could resolve. But the mincing mob would rather pile imaginary faggots round his feet and set fire to him. I must say as one who spent his childhhood being groped by a teacher, as were the rest of our class, I do not sense harm done. I would have been more upset if I had been the only child in the class who wasn't.
Successive popes have been covering up shameful acts since Pope Joan, who posed as a man and had a baby on what is still known as "The Street of the Woman Pope" in Rome. A shrine to Pope Joan on the street was moved on the orders of the Vatican.
In the Middle Ages Adam of Usk writes of a ceremony where new popes sat, before the congregation, in a seat with a hole in the middle whilst a cardinal explored their private parts. Asked by the congregation, "Does he have testicles?" the examiner replies cheerfully, "He has two and they hang well." In Latin, of course.
Give the opportunity, the Catholic Church always leaps to absurdity.
In subsequent centuries the Vatican insisted the female pope was a myth. However, Peter Sandford in his illuminating book "The She Pope" published a photo of the "seda secoriara", a throne with a hole in the seat as Adam describes, which is kept in the Vatican Museum.
Pope John XXII (1316-1334) committed repeated incest upon all his illegitimate children, male and female. He was charged by 37 clergy and witnesses with fornication, adultery, incest, sodomy, simony, theft and murder. He maintained a convent-cum-brothel in Boulogne of 200 girls. He personally murdered a number of these girls and nuns during and after sexual encounters as part of satanic rituals within cathedrals and the main churches of Christianity. He has been called the most depraved criminal who ever sat on the papal throne.
The Church writes its own history. Even so, the beatification of Cardinal Newman is puzzling. The church abhors homosexuals but there is considerable doubt about Newman's sexual orientation.
Some believe Newman may have come close to the line — if not in actions, then in preference.
"It's not unreasonable to think he might have been homosexual," says the Rev. James Martin, a Jesuit priest and author of 'My Life with the Saints'. "His letters and his comments on the death of one of his close friends are quite provocative."
He asked to be buried on top of his lifelong friend Ambrose St John. When it was clear Newman was on the path to sainthood, the Catholic Church ordered the cardinal's body to be exhumed and the corpse moved to a grander resting place in Birmingham Oratory church.
"The idea of pilgrims coming to the grave and seeing John Henry Newman on the tombstone and, above him, the man he lived with for 37 years, the Rev. Ambrose St John, gave off bad vibes," wrote the Rev. Martin. It was certain to raise eyebrows, he said.
One would have thought on these grounds alone the Pope would have found favour with Stephen Fry. Not so. That hedgerow intellectual led a crowd of cranks in complaining the Vatican was not a sovereign state because it was created by Mussolini. Does that mean we should slow down Italian trains and dig up the autobahn because they are the creation of dictators? Forget Shakespeare. The good men do lives after them, surely?
It must have escaped those mighty brains that Germany and Italy were not sovereign states until the 19th century when they were created, like the Vatican, by elected Heads ofState.
Frankly, none of these messages from the past bother me. As an outsider, I am more impressed by the hundreds of priests, like my friend Father Brian, who loved their fellow man in a more conventional way. But, as I say, it's nothing to do with me. We don't even venerate the Lord Buddha. He told us not to.
WELLIE I NEVER
A documentary on the Wellington bomber reminded me of George Thomas, a Chester friend who had been a navigator in one.
Returning home from a bombing raid on which they had been badly strafed and holed, the pilot radioed the crew: "We'd better jump out before we fall out,"
My friend said it was a pleasant summer day and he enjoyed the descent. He was interested to see he was going to land in a holiday camp. In fact he landed in the camp's paddling pool. The moment it touched water the life-saving equipment moved into rescue mode. The rubber dinghy on his back inflated and turned him over. Legs in the air like an upturned tortoise, he made stately circuits of the pond. Next, the container on the dinghy opened and a purple dye spread across the pool, making it easier to spot him from the air. Then the aerial of the beacon on his chest soared into life and began the loud transmissions of a radio signal.
My friend had been too engrossed with these happenings to look about him. A rousing cheer attracted his attention and he saw the pool was ringed by a jubilant crowd who made no attempt to pull him out, so much were they enjoying the show. Eventually he scrambled onto dry land where was accosted by the manager:
"I dunno who you are," he said, "but if you can drop in like that every Saturday you are on to a fiver a week."
Friday, 17 September 2010
GO WITH GOD,OLD FRIEND
Remember the story I told you last week about the Priest,the Bishop, the Pope and the stolen umbrellas?
His name was Father Brian Jones and the day the new Pope arrived, he died. I must say summoning him to Head Office was coming it a bit strong. A lot of fuss over six umbrellas.
I can make that sort of tasteless quip because he would have loved it and would certainly have said something similar if I had gone first.
Indeed the first time he took the umbrella for an airing was to play golf at a municipal course with my wife. As they teed up a wild storm blew up.
"Oh heck," said Father Brian, "He has spotted the Pope's umbrella."
They drove off. It looked as though my wife had driven nearer to the pin. Along came a greensman and moved it to within a foot of Brian's ball.
"That is what I like about Him," said Brian, "He doesn't bear a grudge.
Once in Menai Bridge my car stalled as he past by. He gave me a thumbs up, waved his hands over the bonnet and it started at once.
"He is very good with cars," he told me.
There were great depths of seriousness. One Easter I invited him to mark the day on my radio programme. I thought he would be good for a laugh. No chance.
He began by saying, "We all talk glibly about crucifixion. But we never really understand what that means..." And he gave us the most horriying account of the methods of crucifixion I have ever heard,
ending: "Never forget. That is what Our Lord suffered for love of you."
Glad I didn't die before him. He threatened to come to my bedside when I was dying and just as I was nearing my last breath he would baptise me into the Catholic faith."
Father Brian had the most spectacular ordination. There were only chapels in Ruabon, the North Wales village in which he lived. So the Catholics for miles around got together and built him a church.
He was obviously designated for high office. The church sent him to Valladolid, the Spanish Theological College where the High Honchos are educated.
Father Brian would have none of that. He lived and died a Parish Priest. His parishoners loved him. The local poacher used to tie braces of pheasants, salmon and wild duck to the vestry door. He loved fine wines and was at his most sparkling at the dinner parties given by his devoted friend Dr Margaret Wood, a superlative cook who gave him a home in his retirement. He called her his Spiritual Sister and we should all have sisters like her.
I covered his ordination but we lost touch. Years later I moved to Anglesey. Visiting us, my Catholic father-in-law came back from Mass in Menai Bridge. He said, "I have just heard the most wonderful sermon ever. And the only one that included jokes. No wonder the church was packed."
Later the same week in my local pub I saw a priest surrounded by an admiring crowd who were hooting at his jokes.
"My father-in-law has told me about you," I said,
"Ah yes," said the priest, "that will be Dr Lucas." He had taken the trouble to meet the stranger. We became instant friends and have remained so for over thirty years.
When my great friend Walter Payne died in Chester, his sisters asked me to do the eulogy at his funeral but the Vicar would not hear of a lay person officiating at a funeral in his church. On the day, Father Brian marched up in his full canonicals, commandeered the pulpit and read my speech.
It was no wonder his parishoners loved him, a love which he returned fourfold.
He loved to tell stories like the one about the little boy who came for Christmas wearing his new cowboy outfit. "He marched up the aisle to the crib, pulled out his sixshooter and shot the Virgin Mary."
A succession of bishops were less enamoured. One tried to punish him by sending him to Llandidrod Wells. "The armpit of the Catholic Church," Father Brian told him, and refused to go. So the Bishop sent him to Llanwrst where he spent many happy years.
This blog ends here. I usually like to end with a funny story. Not today. I know better than to follow Father Brian.
R.I.P
His name was Father Brian Jones and the day the new Pope arrived, he died. I must say summoning him to Head Office was coming it a bit strong. A lot of fuss over six umbrellas.
I can make that sort of tasteless quip because he would have loved it and would certainly have said something similar if I had gone first.
Indeed the first time he took the umbrella for an airing was to play golf at a municipal course with my wife. As they teed up a wild storm blew up.
"Oh heck," said Father Brian, "He has spotted the Pope's umbrella."
They drove off. It looked as though my wife had driven nearer to the pin. Along came a greensman and moved it to within a foot of Brian's ball.
"That is what I like about Him," said Brian, "He doesn't bear a grudge.
Once in Menai Bridge my car stalled as he past by. He gave me a thumbs up, waved his hands over the bonnet and it started at once.
"He is very good with cars," he told me.
There were great depths of seriousness. One Easter I invited him to mark the day on my radio programme. I thought he would be good for a laugh. No chance.
He began by saying, "We all talk glibly about crucifixion. But we never really understand what that means..." And he gave us the most horriying account of the methods of crucifixion I have ever heard,
ending: "Never forget. That is what Our Lord suffered for love of you."
Glad I didn't die before him. He threatened to come to my bedside when I was dying and just as I was nearing my last breath he would baptise me into the Catholic faith."
Father Brian had the most spectacular ordination. There were only chapels in Ruabon, the North Wales village in which he lived. So the Catholics for miles around got together and built him a church.
He was obviously designated for high office. The church sent him to Valladolid, the Spanish Theological College where the High Honchos are educated.
Father Brian would have none of that. He lived and died a Parish Priest. His parishoners loved him. The local poacher used to tie braces of pheasants, salmon and wild duck to the vestry door. He loved fine wines and was at his most sparkling at the dinner parties given by his devoted friend Dr Margaret Wood, a superlative cook who gave him a home in his retirement. He called her his Spiritual Sister and we should all have sisters like her.
I covered his ordination but we lost touch. Years later I moved to Anglesey. Visiting us, my Catholic father-in-law came back from Mass in Menai Bridge. He said, "I have just heard the most wonderful sermon ever. And the only one that included jokes. No wonder the church was packed."
Later the same week in my local pub I saw a priest surrounded by an admiring crowd who were hooting at his jokes.
"My father-in-law has told me about you," I said,
"Ah yes," said the priest, "that will be Dr Lucas." He had taken the trouble to meet the stranger. We became instant friends and have remained so for over thirty years.
When my great friend Walter Payne died in Chester, his sisters asked me to do the eulogy at his funeral but the Vicar would not hear of a lay person officiating at a funeral in his church. On the day, Father Brian marched up in his full canonicals, commandeered the pulpit and read my speech.
It was no wonder his parishoners loved him, a love which he returned fourfold.
He loved to tell stories like the one about the little boy who came for Christmas wearing his new cowboy outfit. "He marched up the aisle to the crib, pulled out his sixshooter and shot the Virgin Mary."
A succession of bishops were less enamoured. One tried to punish him by sending him to Llandidrod Wells. "The armpit of the Catholic Church," Father Brian told him, and refused to go. So the Bishop sent him to Llanwrst where he spent many happy years.
This blog ends here. I usually like to end with a funny story. Not today. I know better than to follow Father Brian.
R.I.P
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