The Night It Never Dawned on Me

Taz our greyhound like most of his kind has two speeds. Fast and fast asleep. So Celia takes him for walks and I handle the sleeping challenge.

Most of the time we have short sleeping bouts to see who sleeps the longest. When the Ferret has an away-day we are into marathon sleeping.

I thought I was the easy victor on Bonfire Night when I settled down to listen to the one o’ clock news and woke up the next day. It was growing light and after a crafty croissant I went to bed for a Sunday lie in. Difficulty dozing off because for some reason everyone in the town was letting off fireworks before lunch. When I next woke it had gone dark. My watch said eleven o’ clock but there was something amiss. I switched on the new science network on BBC Radio Fourceps, and that is when I realised I had reached the End of the World. It was still dark and there wasn’t a programme about how the bowel works. Even worse. It was a play by Pinter. It was only when I went to the front door and the Sunday Times wasn’t there that the light began to dawn. Literally.

It was still Saturday.

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I did not have one myself so I don't understand the fuss about education. There must be cheaper ways of keeping children off our backs. The things we teach!

Science and law and rhetoric are what universities were invented for. The rest is jobs for the boys.

Just imagine. It is the Middle Ages and there are these three villeins and one says: "What line you in, then?"

"I teach law at the university."

"Teach? What is teach?"

"I stand up in front of these kids and I tell them how to be lawyers."

"Could end up with more lawyers than jobs."

"Ain't that the truth? But we solved it. The ones don't get jobs, they teach other kids to be lawyers. What’s your line?"

"I write books, but the pay is lousy."

"You should teach. Three months’ holiday a year. All found."

"What can I teach? I just sit down and write."

"It’s not what you teach. It’s what you call it. Let’s see. Books. Latin, ‘libra’. Librature? Doesn't have a ring. That’s it, Literature. You married?"

"On my wages?"

"So you're a bachelor. Great. Bachelor of Arts."

The third villein says could they find him a job and the first chap says: "What do you do?"

"Not a lot. I keep a diary."

“Your Story. Let’s run that up the flagpole and see if it waves...Hang about.Teach what is in everyone else's diary - His Story. You'll do a bomb."

"But I don't KNOW what's in everyone's diary."

"Use your imagination, everyone else did. The Romans claimed they were descended from a wolf and there was this Greek guy Herodotus who invented men whose heads grew out of their chests. Never looked back."

That is how education was born.

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Lenin has had 87 years; for Jimmy Savile, a disc jockey turned turbo-charged charity-fundraiser, the honour of lying in state was to last just a single day. But what a day - a blinged up cowboy, Santa, a Royal Marine and a nun in a wheelchair were among the 5,000 that filed passed his gold-covered coffin in a Leeds hotel. Sir Jimmy is to be buried in his trademark tracksuit with two expensive cigars to impress God, along with his Royal Marines bravery medal and Green Beret. He will be buried in Scarborough with his coffin at 45 degrees 'so he can see the sea', said Howard Silverman, his lifelong friend.

The Independent and The Sun.

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My cousin Mary Gregory offers this:

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES ...
> Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
> Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
> The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
> The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
> Why the different treatment for the two patients?

> The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
> The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
>
> Next time take me to a vet!
>
But only if you are very rich...(Ed)